Do I have to wear the family heirloom?
(From Chapter 1: Congratulations – You’re Engaged!)
The best of intentions can lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. While a groom’s parents may be focused on honoring a family tradition by passing along an engagement ring, they may put the bride-to-be in an awkward position if she has her heart set on having her own ring. If she refuses, she may seem ungrateful; if she accepts, she may feel resentful. It’s best if parents make the offer to their son before the rings are chosen. They should also let him know that they understand completely if the couple chooses a different ring or creates a new setting.
If you feel uncomfortable accepting the family heirloom, then you needn’t do it. Decline graciously and be sure to discuss your concerns with your fiancé. A family doesn’t have the right to insist that this very personal piece of jewelry be worn by their future daughter-in-law, no matter how strong the tradition.
We have several members of our immediate family who “overindulge,” especially at open bar weddings, so we want to limit the amount of alcohol served. Our reception site has a separate bar area. Is it acceptable for us to serve wine, beer, and champagne at our reception, but let them pay for any hard liquor drinks at the bar? (From Chapter 1: Congratulations – You’re Engaged!)
Guests at a wedding shouldn’t pay for anything—that’s the host’s responsibility. It’s why cash bars and tip jars are considered taboo at wedding receptions and why the hosts should pay all valet, coat check, and restroom tips in advance so that guests are relieved of those obligations as well.
There’s no rule that says alcohol must be served at a wedding. In your case, it sounds as if you have good reason to limit the amount and type of alcohol served at your reception. It’s not necessary to have a full open bar and you’re certainly meeting your obligations as a host by offering your guests beer, wine, and champagne, along with nonalcoholic options. Since the bar is adjacent to but not a part of your reception area, guests who wish alternative refreshment can avail themselves at their own expense. You’re right, they may drink a little less if it’s not freely available.
Do we provide dinner for musicians and photographers at our wedding?
(From Chapter 2: Making Plans)
As a general rule, if you’re serving a meal to your guests, then you should feed your vendors as well. Many reception sites have a separate area where your crew can eat. Often the caterer will serve them a less expensive meal than the one guests receive, or the same meal at a discounted price. Be sure that vendor meals are part of your catering contract, to avoid surprises later. When planning your reception, determine the best point for the band and others you’ve hired to take about a half-hour dinner break.
E-mail has been especially helpful in setting appointments with vendors and keeping in touch with my bridesmaids. When is e-mail okay to use and when isn’t it? (From Chapter 2: Making Plans)
E-mail is fine for:
• An informal “save the date” notice to close friends and family.
• Invitations to informal or casual engagement parties, showers, and other pre-wedding get-togethers. Just be sure all your invitees use their e-mail on a daily basis, and don’t send out a “group e-mail”—send invitations individually.
• Information on lodging or maps and directions for out-of-town guests. This is a great use of the group e-mail option and “Dear All.”
• Wedding updates. Use this judiciously and don’t overwhelm your audience with daily news flashes.
• An optional RSVP on your invitation. Just be sure it’s an option! Add the following on a line after the RSVP: “If you prefer, you may reply by e-mail to happy couple@rsvp.com.” This is a great choice for an informal wedding or if the wedding is taking place on short notice.
• Wedding announcements, particularly if you and the recipient are on informal terms or if the wedding itself was informal.
E-mail isn’t appropriate for:
• Wedding invitations. A printed or handwritten invitation sent through the mail is the only way to extend such a personal invitation. The only exception is when the wedding takes place on very short notice.
• Thank-you notes. All thank-you notes must be handwritten and mailed—no exceptions. If you’ve fallen behind, you can use e-mail as a stopgap to notify the giver that you’ve received the gift, but you must follow up with a note.
• Personal or delicate communications. Not only is e-mail not private, it’s not a good medium for working out compromises or resolving conflicts. Tricky issues should be dealt with face-to-face or over the phone.
• When the groundwork hasn’t been properly laid. While it’s convenient to send group e-mails about wedding-related plans, check your plans personally with other key people before announcing them to the world and ruffling feathers.
We’d love to create a wedding Web site. What are good things to include?
(From Chapter 2: Making Plans)
Personal wedding Web sites can be “info central” for you and your guests. You can post photos, information on lodging, maps and directions, planning updates, the option to RSVP electronically, and even links to department store or Web-based gift registries. Wedding planning sites like Wedding Channel (www.weddingchannel.com) and The Knot (www.theknot.com) offer wedding advice and step-by-step instructions for designing your own free Web page, reachable through their Web addresses.
Other Web sites allow you to create a site at your own Web address for a fee. Whichever you choose, remember:
• Take some time to choose a design and content that reflects your personal style.
• Keep it simple: a few well-designed pages will speak volumes.
• Keep it tasteful: you want your visitors to feel welcomed and comfortable.
• Don’t include overly personal information. Some predesigned templates encourage you to share overly personal information. Save it for the bachelor(ette) party.
• Don’t overemphasize your registry links.
• Use it judiciously for wedding updates; don’t overwhelm your audience with daily news flashes.
• If you’d like people to have the option of RSVPing on your site, simply add the following line below the RSVP on your invitation: “If you prefer, you may reply at www.happy couple.com.”
• Don’t list your Web site on your actual invitations.
It’s fine to add your Web address to other enclosures in the invitation package, such as the response card or map.
• Remember your off-line guests; not everyone has ready access to the Internet.
• Do post wedding or honeymoon photos on your site, as well as a general, heartfelt thank-you. The general thanks, though, doesn’t take the place of writing personal notes for gifts or favors done for you.
My fiancé and I are only inviting sixty people to our wedding, but many friends and relatives we weren’t planning to include seem to be inviting themselves: “Let us know when you set the date—we’re really looking forward to it!” How do we tell them they won’t be invited? (From Chapter 4: Creating Your Guest List, page 77)
Get the word out quickly that your wedding will be very small.
Also, be sure you make up your guest list very carefully using clear-cut criteria to determine who’s in and who’s out. You might consider hosting another celebration after the wedding for all those good friends and family members whom you didn’t invite to the wedding but who clearly want to toast your happiness.
My husband and I married in Europe three months ago and have just returned home. My parents have graciously offered to give a wedding reception for us. How are the invitations worded?
(From Chapter 5: The Honor of Your Presence, page 111)
Invitations to belated receptions are often the case for destination weddings:
Mr. and Mrs. Reid Twitchell
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception
in honor of
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Miller . . .
If you want to be less formal, say:
Please join us for a reception
in honor of Marcy and Chris . . .
I have all my guest information stored in a database. It can save me a lot of time and money if I print out labels for my invitations. Is this a good idea?
(From Chapter 5: The Honor of Your Presence)
Even though they may seem to be a time and money saver, stick-on labels are much too impersonal. Instead, plan ahead and take the time to handwrite every envelope, so that it’s in keeping with the personal nature of a wedding. If you can’t afford to hire a calligrapher, perhaps your mom or your maid of honor and attendants can help.
I have special note cards with my new name on them. May I use them for my thank-you notes now, or should I wait until after the wedding?
(From Chapter 7: Wedding Gifts and Thank-Yous)
Definitely write thank-you notes as soon as the gifts arrive, but use notes that have your maiden name or initials, or other pretty note cards for letters you write before the wedding. Save your new stationery with your new name or initials for notes written after you’re married.
I just went to a bridal fair and there was a lot of talk about reception dresses. Is it still acceptable to wear my wedding dress to the reception?
(From Chapter 9: Your Reception)
Absolutely! This trend started with celebrity weddings, lavish affairs where the bride may have showcased several gowns by big name designers throughout the event. It may be the latest addition to the fairytale wedding and the bridal fashion industry, but for most brides, their wedding gown is the dress for the day. Of course, a change of outfit may be called for if your gown isn’t a match for your reception, such as a clambake or barbeque. And some brides who want to dance the night away may prefer to wear something less formal. If you are wearing a different dress, don’t forget to factor in time to change and a place to do it.
Where should my mother, stepfather, father, and father’s girlfriend (who is despised by my mother) sit at the reception?
(From Chapter 9: Your Reception)
In a word? Separately! At the reception, seat your mother and stepfather and your father and his girlfriend at separate tables. Seat them across the room from each other if necessary—and hope that your mother, and everyone else, can put aside ill feelings for this special day.
What’s the correct amount to spend on a wedding gift?
(From Chapter 11: When You’re a Guest)
There is no “correct” amount to spend on a wedding gift. This is something you decide for yourself, based on your affection for and relationship to the couple and their families, and your budget. It’s a myth that you should spend the equivalent of the per-person cost for the reception.
